Beginning at the End

Breakin these cycles, I’m finally fuckin free.
I’m not as spiteful as the man I used be.
Way more insightful a year after I chose me.
I deconstructed the pillars of toxicity
and beat my addiction to being the accessory.

Loved to be the fixer. That was my image of me. 
How do I know if it was I that lacked reciprocity,
if I'm being told that I'm the cause of the insanity. 
Reaction to those labels forced me to speak selfishly. 
While defending a position like it was the death of me. 
Blaming became default and the result of critical envy. 
A circle jerk of pushing and pulling. I love you, hate me. 

I needed to win, nobody could lose, a cyclical stalemate. 
If finding faults is what you choose, how can love replicate.  
One would submit, then blow a fuse and the other would subjugate. 
Both trying to irritate humiliate persuade and intimidate. 
An infinite cycle that erodes love until it became hate. 

The only way to break the loop,
was to find the bravery for two. 
Suck it up, let it go, it wasn't you. 
The only way out of it is through. 
At this point I was done with re-dos. 
Emotionally I was black and blue. 
Sick and tired of the verbal jujitsu. 

Always looking for new ways to violate each others line of scrimmage. 
How could I build a kingdom with someone who needed attention from the village?
Stay and face the music while my happiness is being robbed and pillaged?
I knew bailing was selfish, no way I'd be able to shake the villain image. 

I've eaten a sizable piece of humble pie. 
Everything I let my ego tell me was a lie. 
This couldn't be it, I didn't envision this life. 
I thought I had my forever locked up tight. 
So I freed myself from a cage I designed,
to occupy and keep my mind assigned. 
Felt like I was the only one willing to try. 
That's indicative of my values malaligned. 

A toxic love ouroboros shared by two immature adults. 
Constant death and rebirth, forgetting to check for a pulse. 
A heartbeat didn't matter as long as there were favorable results. 
Allowing action without thought, how can you filter a first impulse. 

I recognize and accept the things I did and what I allowed. 
The humiliation of my circumstance hurts but still, I stand proud. 
Trying to stay grounded and keep my head out of the clouds. 
It's was easy to slip into depression, inside my head it's voice was loud. 

I'm aware of the traits of codependency. 
My ability to respond is my responsibility. 
The reactions to my emotions was killing me. 
The thoughts I allowed weighed heavily. 
Destroyed the other me, finding a new identity. 
It's gonna be a slow go, but I know I'll get there eventually. 

I'm stopping it all, putting it down, hitting the reset button. 
Letting go of my imagined future ranked as the hardest decision. 
Breakin those cycles because I deserve to be happy and keep on living.