Beginning at the End

I'm finally accepting this curtain call... 
My thirty year film has concluded ya'll. 
Leaving my identity on the studio walls

There's nothin left of who I was to edit...
If you stay after I roll these credits... 
I'll give you hints to where I am headed...

I think it's time I acknowledge the truth. 
This savior complex I have grew from roots,
that planted when I was an innocent youth. 

Exposure to adult dynamics became learned behaviors. 
When the friction peaked, I thought she needed to me to save her. 
She cried to me and that validation was linked to me being braver.
Allowing him back after infidelity, told me her heart is what drives her. 
And that became the very thing I would allow when I got older. 
I learned that love was more important than the value of my character. 

He was everything that I wanted to be.
Everything I did, I wanted him to see.
When he was called home, I lost my identity. 
He was supposed to show me everything I could be. 
I needed more time for him to finish molding me. 
Maybe I followed behind him a little too closely. 
And because of who I knew, I now needed to be,
there was no reason for me to develop emotionally.
I knew I wasn't ready to be a man in any capacity. 
Suppressed every emotion but held on to bravery. 

I didn't know that I struggled from a lack of their affection. 
So growing up I did shit that I thought would garner their attention.
Like slacking academically and disrespecting others leading to suspensions. 
Or fostering friendships with kids who had destructive intentions. 
I knew we were loved but looking back, they lacked healthy communication. 
When disagreements happened I learned how to defend a position. 

I carried those traumas right into my adult life. 
Picked a woman I thought I could fix to be my wife. 
Found comfort in the arguments, thinking defense was right. 
Lacked the emotional intelligence needed to compromise. 

Took twenty five years to finally recognize the issues weren't going away. 
Something I couldn't quite understand kept me in a cycle of love and hate. 
Something needed to change, I tried changing her but it was too late. 
Evolution is inevitable and as much as I wanted to stay,
The journey I was on and the path she paved, began to separate. 
I held on for too long, a fucking stubborn Leo trait. 

I did everything I could before leaving so I'd have no regrets. 
When the need for reactions to argumentative attitudes went unmet,
The further away our kindred spirits would seemingly get. 
Stayed in a separate room for a year before I left. 
Hoping we'd evolve and break free from our toxic silhouettes. 
Then find each other again when we could be more compassionate. 

I was absolutely terrified taking that risk and it didn't work out my favor,
Someone who wasn't me provided what I could no longer give her. 
I didn't understand it then but the lesson said it was both of our behaviors. 
I had to set her free, so I let her go, I forced myself to close that chapter. 

I have to give credit where credit is due.
I'm embracing forgiveness, they were learning too. 
They gave me qualities I own today that still ring true. 
My sister, for raising me in times they were finding their truth. 
My Ex, for the experience and memories that will help me continue. 
My kids, for giving me purpose during and after the love that we knew. 

The bulk of the credit I'm giving to the person I am going to be. 
Because I want to honor him for being there and waiting for me. 
I'm going to make him proud by loving myself unconditionally. 

This next chapter is gonna be focused on cultivating my curiosity. 
Discovering all the things that inspire my love of creativity.
Live wholeheartedly and appreciate the people that stayed with me. 
Trying new things, seeing new places, and meeting new personalities. 
Reclaiming my mental health and embracing my vulnerability. 
Working on becoming the best version of who I stopped trying to be. 

I will find those that stand for me when I'm not around, those are my people. 
I'm raising the price of admission to have a seat and experience this sequel.
If you can afford what I require you might have a chance to view my prequel.