Beginning at the End

 

I wasn't supposed to be here, my parents only wanted two.
So here I am, bittersweet about the sister I never knew.
It's a backwards pulse of life, a child dying before you do.
I'm proud of my parents, must've been difficult to push through.
My eldest sister began to look after me, she was seven, I was two.

We used to fight over trivial things, like donuts and onion rings.
Our dad would get upset when hearing our constant bickering.
Our mom would be like, "that's what you get, I can't do anything"
His punishments were kind of different, more of a mental taxing.
We'd get in trouble together and that bond became our thing. 

She loved me unconditionally, and never gave it a second thought.
Necessities we always had, but we sure didn't have a lot.
She shielded me from that and I appreciated the things we got.
My sister thoroughly worried about me more often than not.
That kind of love from a sister is rooted in DNA, it can't be taught.

I was that irritating little shit always in the background,
Making a noise, looking, trying to be heard without a vocalized sound.
She would look at me crazy and say sorry to those around.
If I got the reaction, I'd run away snickering, extremely proud.
Classic little brother shit, embarrass her with friends around.

It was on her to keep an eye me while our parents did their thing.
Cook both of us dinner, making sure before I ate I was clean.
They trusted her and that advanced level of responsibility.
Her boyfriend turned husband, had no idea about me.
A tag along on dates, "SummerJam" concerts, dinner and movies.

I was her study student while she learned French in high school. 
Teaching me crazy phrases like "bonjour, comment allez-vous"
She taught me how to "feel the beat" and snap my fingers to songs she knew.
She encouraged me to dance and learn to "cha-cha" it's timeless and cool.

I had no male cousins around me that were about my age. 
Always with my sister and girl cousins and saw the feminine way.
I have my sister to thank for molding me into the man I am today.
I'm sure only masculinity and bravado is what I'd be trying to portray.
That blinding male persona is a problem, it's a state of emotional decay.

The night before our dad passed, he told her, make sure he graduates.
School wasn't for me, I had a C minus average but quite capable of A's.
More concerned about the love I found and trying to hide the hate,
Of our dad's passing before I could say to him what I needed to say. 
I never seen her lose her cool while she focused on me and my terrible grades.

At the end I barely made it, I walked the line and graduated.
In my cap and gown, received my diploma and congratulated.
Because the tenacity of my sister and her promise to our dad, that I'd make it. 
I knew mom and sis were proud by the looks on their faces.
The baby boy, the little brother, in the absence of dad, actually made it.

She quit a college education and returned, couldn't see it's worth.
Mom and bro were lost without dad, and she dove right into work.
I couldn't see her sacrifices and how much she must have hurt.
She was always super driven and always thought of others first.
I don't know if I could be as strong as her, if roles were reversed.

The betrayal she must've felt when I alienated her after all that she had done.
Trying to do what I thought was right for the marriage to my "one"
She never said anything about her disapproval, fearing I'd resent her and run.
So she let me go silently, feeling confused and biting her tongue. 
Still loved me but didn’t love my choices, man, that must've stung.

Raising our families, I stayed and she moved to different cities like Albuquerque,
Chasing her career, breaking down barriers, being a female and a minority.
Reaching a high level executive in a company dominated by men and masculinity.
Still making time to keep in touch with her little brother and his stupidity.
I blinked and thirty years of our life passed us so suddenly.

A natural born leader, my mentor, my confidant, more than a sister.
Someone I've looked up to and who would answer my calls when I missed her.
I could count on her advice, she'd always be one hundred with a refreshing candor.
Telling me like is, never afraid to speak her mind about relationship cancers.
Belief in who I am and my untapped ability even when it didn't serve her.

Sister if I could, you know I would, take back all the pain I caused.
I hate that you had to witness my inconsiderate self sabotage.
But I promise, I'll stay grounded and keep my head out the clouds.
No more worrying sis, I'm free, the inner me has never been so loud.
I'm going to doing everything I can to make you undeniably proud.