Beginning at the End

I've been tryin to evolve while trying to heal. 
Wade in the pain and swim in the love I feel. 

The ambivalence of everything makes me feel naive.
I really been tryin to forgive while trying to grieve. 
 
Feels like I've been searching forever, for God knows what...
While tryin to let go, so my heart doesn't stay shut. 

Still tryin to love others while re-learning how to love me. 
Tryin not to categorize women because of one woman's inability. 

Tryin to withhold judgement while figuring out who I give access to. 
As I try my best to stay focused and be disciplined in everything I do. 

Tryin to find vulnerability in the deepest and most darkest places of my soul. 
While being mindful of my thoughts and not let my ego become part of the whole. 

Tryin to accept that respect and consideration is common practice. 
While absorbing that the lack of it is only because of one person's bad habits. 

Tryin to become a better version of who I used to identify with.
While making sure the memories of my past don't fade too quick. 

Tryin to beat back addictions that I wanted to keep to multiple things.
While tryin to weather the storms that a severely broken heart brings.

Tryin to be aware of the ramifications of all of my choices,
While not giving a fuck about the perception behind strong voices. 

Tryin to allow more personalities to come into my life as they are. 
While tryin harder to believe people when they show me who they are. 

Tryin to find answers for questions that havent been asked yet.
While asking questions about things that I know is a losing bet. 

Tryin to navigate life's mental peaks and valleys without a GPS
Is like tryin to swim in the middle of the ocean without a life vest. 

Tryin to get someone to see how valuable you are is a losing battle. 
You have to move on and wish them well before you begin to unravel. 

Tryin to learn the lessons in every situation and from every experience. 
And at same time unlearn the patterns of abuse that made me delirious.  
 
I'm tryin so hard to keep going, doing and not quiting has become my "why"
Is that what Yoda meant when he said "Do or do not, there is no try"?