Beginning at the End

Sometimes, I talk to myself even when I know I'm not listenin.
Catch the feeling of smilin but nobody sees it glistenin. 
Dad's been gone for decades and to this day I'm still missin him. 
My boy didn't make it to 40 and still ain't over being pissed at him. 
My brotha fought to win but in the end cancer still did him in. 
Influential figures in my life gone too soon forced me to look within. 
Trying to find answers like when it's my time is heaven gone let me in?
I wish I could visit right quick and ask them how the hell they been. 
Get caught up on everything they been doin since they been in. 
Tell them everything about my life and all the shit that's been happenin. 
Relive the memories one more time so I know, that they know, I ain't fogettin them.
 
For their untimely exit from my life someone needs to explain. 
My ego keeps telling me there is someone I have to blame.
The thought of them being gone too soon is driving me insane. 
What would my world be like if I could still hear them call my name. 

"Hey BO" "my Benny Boy" what I wouldn't give to hear that from dad,
Just one more time, might help me cope with times I'm overwhelmingly sad. 

"Hhheey phucker!" "W'Sup Brian" "hey balue-guy" forreal Bro? I miss your humor!
Crackin up together damn near crying grabbin our guts doubling over!

"Ryyeto!" "Par no goot onry burrdie" "w'time is tee time!" Damnit Jeffito!
We talked about playin Pebble, You'd beat that terrible disease and we'd go. 

What are the symptoms of survivors guilt?
Does it make me forget the person I built?
The struggle the sweat and the blood spilt?
Their absence left me on a dangerous tilt. 
Pitched to one side unbalanced on one stilt. 

I had to right the ship, find my way, get back on course,
Losing them put me in a fucked up mood so a smile I had to force. 
Pick up the pieces, dust myself off and get back on the horse. 
You would never catch me asking for emotional support. 
When I lost them I battled deep seated feelings of remorse. 

Bouncing back each time when the bottom gave out had me stressed. 
But it taught me about the intrinsic resilience and strength I possessed. 
I never really processed the grief, didn't know it had to be addressed. 
I learned that the relationship with myself is the only solid one I have left. 

Did they really go too soon or was that right on time?
Is my pain a selfish perspective or a blessing in disguise?
Is my life a construct of some sort of celestial design?
I can't call it, so I surrender. Hoping that one day our energy will collide. 

I'm learning to carry love and loss together and keep on going. 
Learning to believe in things I feel but cannot see cuz im knowin,
that consciousness is energy that is survived by memories and connection. 
One day I'll see them again and deal with the pain, because the ability to feel is a blessin. 

I miss you and I love you 
Yeah, you were gone too soon.