Beginning at the End

I wished it wasn't the truth. 
But I'm not what's best for you. 
There are things I could not do. 
Or couldn't figure out how to. 
It'd be crazy for me to continue. 
I only want what's best for you. 

I tried to rearrange our stars on my own, I confess. 
Hoping you'd validate my efforts and be impressed. 
But that was like trying to make the sun rise in the west. 
Or ask the moon to shine brighter when I feel depressed. 
It was a destructive way to serve my own self-interest. 

You deserve a love specific to your needs. 
No matter how much you meant to me. 
I was blinded by trauma, I couldn't see,
I was keeping you locked in our toxicity. 
I wanted the best for you, but more importantly. 
I was compelled by a drive to find what was best for me. 
We couldn't breathe. Our lungs were always at capacity. 
I may not know yet what's best for me. 
But I can't keep suppressing my personality. 
I hope my absence brings you peace. 
And you find exactly what you need. 
Someone who unlocks your heart with the key
that I stubbornly held on to selfishly. 

I hope you find a love that feels safe. 
A love that doesn't make you chase. 
Gives you security that I couldn't create. 
I hope he can speak softly to your face. 
When he feels you forget to communicate.  
I hope he sees you and tries to acclimate. 
Not just sacrifice but actually assimilate.
Support and adjust like a running mate.
Your feelings should not be up for debate. 

I finally figured out that what's best for you isn't who I am. 
It's not a knock on you, I'm just not your kind of man. 
But on the other hand, who could love you more than I can?
Was this lesson always a part of a diabolical plan?
 
I know you can do better than I. 
I found the courage to let you try. 
For you, there has to be a better guy. 
I fabricated myself an innocent lie,
to help me believe what I was doing was right.
Told myself that you'd always be mine. 
I had to detach from 30 years of that life. 
I cried so much my pillows wouldn't dry. 
Why has it been so hard to say goodbye?

It's terrible, honey, I know. 
How our love faded so slow. 
As we watched our kids grow,
we both forgot to show,
the love through the lows. 
When we needed it the most. 

After everything we've been through. 
Everything I learned about us two.  
All the pain and all the miscues. 
I still only want the best for you