Beginning at the End

At 16 you sure are your father’s son and our journey is a turbulent one.
Dad’s gonna pass leaving you confused and needing his guidance and love.
You’ll be there for mommy and at times it’ll be a lot for you so you judge.
She knew her baby boy meant well and really appreciated those hugs.

Unsure of what to do with emotions you can’t identify, so you tuck them away.
You won’t escape the weight and it's gravity; they'll force a confrontation one day.

You’re about to meet a girl and think that she’s the one,
And learn a valuable lesson from her about how you give love.

Should I tell you about the flags and what those colors mean?
Nah, you’d probably ignore me anyway, you’re an invincible teen.

I know I can’t shield you from this experience, our journey must play out.
If I help you correct the mistakes, this me might never come out. 

You’ll think that you’ve found love and it’ll drive a good part of your life.
Even when you feel something is off and something just isn’t right.

There’s no playbook, no manual, no blueprint to show you the way.
No GPS, can’t google what you feel, no directions, no waze.
You’ll both get lost but stay together and navigate the maze.

You’ll try to fix her with more love when she says she hates you, 
She loves you more when you do, not knowing she’s drained you.
You want to do better and be better, deep down you really do.
But it’s impossible to fix things that you never really knew.

Her family will become yours; you’ll cultivate and love them as such.
Our family welcomes her and loves her just as much as they love us.
She couldn’t understand that kind of love and it becomes too much.

So you’ll begin to alienate your family trying to keep the peace at home.
The distance you create because of who you chose makes you feel alone.

You’ll both find purpose in raising two kids and then tying the knot.
Neglecting emotional development, not knowing that’s how toxicity is taught.

Still, you both push on, attaching yourselves to the potential of each other.
Defending yourself against accusations from her like she was your mother.
That becomes the part that you play as a toxic and codependent lover.

You’ll appreciate her sister for the man she chose to spend her life with.
He becomes closer than a brother, you’ll look up to him and confide in.
He’ll pass away, leaving you with shared dreams and unfinished business.
Remember those emotions you tucked away? They’re about to resurface.

You’ll resist them again to be strong for her and strengthen that bond,
When her brother passes from cancer, another one, way too soon, gone. 
Two more father figures in your life taken to the great beyond.
While you struggle to be strong for her but lose the will to go on.

You’ll keep going, running from those familiar emotions you didn’t define.
They’ll shut you down when backed into a corner allowing that ego to drive.

You have intrinsic amazing qualities like courage, resilience and grit.
You only wanted to be seen but didn’t know how to express it. 
Not investigating emotions was a choice and you chose to make it.

You’ll experience betrayal and the two ways that it can destroy you.
You’ll forgive the first kind but the second kind is an unforgivable truth.

The physical kind, that time, still painful, before the I do’s and the rings,
You opted for hope and forgiveness and prayed for better things.

The emotional kind, when it almost broke your spirit and the kids were grown.
You gave her the option on how to choose you, a responsibility she didn't want to own.

She’ll still choose that someone else and let him into her heart,
Because finding a new supply to fill the void was easier than being smart. 

You’ll come to understand that determination can become desperation,
And hate the fact that permanent distance might be the only solution.

Depression is fierce and begins to sink it’s mental hooks in you,
Excruciating pain and anguish will take their turns at pestering you.
You’ll be so distraught and out of your mind you won’t know what to do. 
You’ll reach out to your only sister; she’s someone that always had you.

500 miles away you begin to tackle the emotions you didn’t define from the past.
Try to uncover all the emotional baggage and issues you wish you didn’t have.

You can see all your faults and the things you did after breaking free.
Severing that love as hard as it was, being brave, choosing me,
Is the best decision you could’ve made, you set the love of your life free,
And that courageous choice will lead you right back to me.

You’ll have front row seats witnessing a war between your heart and your mind.
You’ll want to be unapologetically angry; you’ll want to be compassionately kind.

The contradiction of life is painfully apparent this late,
You’ll learn that nothing is forever and lose hope in fate.
But you will never lose hope in us, because us is the way.

You’re gonna get weirdly curious about why you do the things that you do.
Driven by the pain you’ve felt, so you don’t suffer the same with someone new.

Be a light in your darkness until you meet me,
Let go of the past but hang on tightly,
There is more to this life, the proof is, this me.
You’ll have to be patient, just wait you’ll see,
I’m here, waiting and excited for you to meet this better me.

Man... If... Only... I could talk to me.