Beginning at the End

Is there a particular door that opens for you?
Who opens that door? And when can I walk through?
I've been on this side trying to do the right things.
What will forgiveness, grace and love for myself bring?

It's like running and marathon that hasn't begun.
Reaching a finish line without the sound of a gun.
Am I supposed to let go of everything I've become?
I want to feel the change but when will it come?
Someone said you'll get to the other side when you confront all that you run from. 
When you accept your faults, all the good and bad that you've done.

It's fucking exhausting.
I'm tired of hoping.
Done with the coping.
No more surviving.
How do I get there? 
So I can start living.
Embody the loving.
Feel the same inside as my outside is showing.

I’m doing the internal work because they say it’s required.

Why does it take so long for my brain to rewire?

Where is there?

Why do I want so bad to be there?

And how in the hell am I supposed to get there?